just heard an anoying rumor yesterday...and stumbled upon some ewww facts...two unhappy thoughts in one day..now that's got to be my best personal record...wait2...nah..i've been in worse conditions before..well..it's not my decision..it's His will...so i' just sit back..and pray for the best...
When DEPRESSION is KICKING IN or when the MOOD for writing HITS...THIS is my SANCTUARY...call IT what you want but this is my HAVEN..I can WRITE what I want, when I want and how I want to...
Friday, July 30, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
to buy or not to buy?...that is the question
yesterday...i stumbled upon two pair of shoes that caught my eye...one was jumpman jordan LX2..the other was non other that King James footware...the new Air Zoom Generation...those two shoes entered my dream last night...but the problem is their both above RM400 which is equivalent to US 1++.++...so if i bought both of the shoes...i would be spending what...about US 250?...damn...i really love those shoes...but i also want to buy a new computer..arghh...this is bad...but it could not hurt if i just bought one of those shoes...but i can't decide...both of them are nice...if i go for the cheaper shoes mode...then it would be the LX2 because it's cheaper by RM 100...and those shoes are acceptable to wear to class...hmmm...now there's a thought..why would i waste an extra hundred just to buy shoes that you could only wear to play b.ball?..hmmm..i ned more time to think about this..hehe
Monday, July 26, 2004
i love you..ai shite ru..saya cintakan awak
well...those three words are to me the hardest thing that a person could tell to another person..well it's like you want to tell her but you have your doubts...what if she doesn't like me?..what if she reject me?...i've been through all this...i gathered all my courage(i don't know where that came from) and asked the girl that i like if she would be my girlfriend(i didn't ask her exactly like this..that would be really....dry)...and i got the answer that every man in the world is afraid to hear...."you know you are a nice guy but i don't see a future in us"....ouch..now that's not nice is it...i know that i'm a little to young back then to express my feelings to another human being....but there is a reason for me to do that but i didn't have anything to interpret my behavior until i stumbled upon a story that my fren posted on frenster(thank god for frenster!!)...and here is how the story goes....
10th grade: As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade: The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year: The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step! I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day: A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later: Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn`t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral: Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: "I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy,and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! I wish I did too... I thought to my self, and I cried. i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u..."
you see...i don't want my feelings to be dormant and in the end i'll regret i did not tell the one i love that i really love her...but because i was 18 and i seldom think about the other side of the coin...i was finally being heartbroken by the girl that i first had my eyes on...well years past and i thought well...it was worth it...hey better to have loved and lost than never being in love at all..but now i'm having some kind of phobia with this kind of thing..i'm afraid of rejection...but hey..i took it with a head held up high once...why can't i do it again?...because i hate rejection...just like everybody else....well...girls always say that they are the ones who suffers when a relationshp doesn't work out...well don't you know how many guys kill themselves after they broke up?..well..more than you girls i reckon...girls are fragile..yes they are..but we guys have our pride...how could we even live if we can't even hold together a relationship...some of the guys can move on...but others can't...so...goodbye cruel world..heh
10th grade: As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade: The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year: The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step! I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day: A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later: Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn`t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral: Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: "I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy,and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! I wish I did too... I thought to my self, and I cried. i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u...i love u..."
you see...i don't want my feelings to be dormant and in the end i'll regret i did not tell the one i love that i really love her...but because i was 18 and i seldom think about the other side of the coin...i was finally being heartbroken by the girl that i first had my eyes on...well years past and i thought well...it was worth it...hey better to have loved and lost than never being in love at all..but now i'm having some kind of phobia with this kind of thing..i'm afraid of rejection...but hey..i took it with a head held up high once...why can't i do it again?...because i hate rejection...just like everybody else....well...girls always say that they are the ones who suffers when a relationshp doesn't work out...well don't you know how many guys kill themselves after they broke up?..well..more than you girls i reckon...girls are fragile..yes they are..but we guys have our pride...how could we even live if we can't even hold together a relationship...some of the guys can move on...but others can't...so...goodbye cruel world..heh
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
aisey....demam balik..penin2...
aiyoyo...my fever came back...now that's not a good sign is it?...went to the doctor and he told me that my body was still weak from the chickenpox infection..so it was just a normal flu...that was a relief...if he had said my chickenpox has risen again..i'm going to be speechless...well..have to recover quickly...don't have much time left..only 1 month to go until i'll go back to the U.S...arghhh...really don't want to go back yet..feels like there is so much that i didn't do...oh well..guess just have to accept it...
Saturday, July 17, 2004
aisey.kena marah lagi...
i was scolded by my mother yesterday...because she found a picture of me and jet riding a roller coaster ( sorry jet!!)...told her she was only a friend but..well, you know parents..too protective..she went on telling me that i should study first..bla bla..get my degree first before getting a girlfriend..bla..bla....and that was what i did...i always respected my parents..always following their orders...when i just bend them a little, she goes haywire...well...i'm already used to all the long hours of scolding and yelling...when i am being scolded it's like listening to music...i could sit there for hours pretending to listen to music from flop poppy for all i care...because i'm already used to it...people don't know this...but scolding is how my mother communicate with me...well not all the time..but most of the time...when i just bend the rules a little...bam!!...scold...got second instead of first..bam!!...scold again...got 3.5 instead of 4.0...bam!!..scold again...and again...and again...i'm not saying that she hates me..she loves me..i know that..she loves me with all her heart...i know she is just having a lot of pressure because i'm her last hope for getting a son that could get 1st class honors..my brother could..but because he was lazy he got 2nd class upper..my mother did.t show it but i know she was devastated...that's why i just keep my cool whenever she scolds me..eventhough sometimes my blood boils when she scolds me...i just go to my room ad listen to some music to cool it off..i'll never scold my mother back...NEVER...because she is the only one that i have now...after my father passed away..well..hope i could keep my cool for another 3 years...because that is how long i have before i get my degree...heh
Friday, July 16, 2004
Outbreak!!!
It's been a long time since I've written my last blog...Just came back from performing the umrah...so this blog has not been updated for two weeks...well, that's not the only thing that's bothering me..when i was in makkah i was infected by chickenpox...arghhh...
it was a horrible experience...i didn't eat for 5 days because my mouth was infected by bacteria so anything that i swallowed was painful as hell....so my main dish was water...plain old water..and some zam-zam water as well..and some medicine...that's all i ate for 5 days...and i was paralyzed on the bed..could even move my body to the restroom...have to get some help from my sister or my mother...my face was covered with chicken pox until it was bloated up like a balloon...i even couldn't recognize myself when i looked in the mirror...my fever was 39 Celsius...the doctor said if the temp was raised another Celsius, i would have fainted...i was brought to the hospital and the doctor injected me twice...twice!!..and the nurse inserted a needle in my arm to let water or antibiotic (i'm not sure..) into my blood to cool it down...
so, here i am feeling better..but sometimes i feel terrible too..people looking at my scarred face...i felt weird...maybe this is my punishment for being so arrogant (?)..anyway..this is punishment...for what i don't know but i'll accept it with arms wide open (macam lagu la plak!!)
it was a horrible experience...i didn't eat for 5 days because my mouth was infected by bacteria so anything that i swallowed was painful as hell....so my main dish was water...plain old water..and some zam-zam water as well..and some medicine...that's all i ate for 5 days...and i was paralyzed on the bed..could even move my body to the restroom...have to get some help from my sister or my mother...my face was covered with chicken pox until it was bloated up like a balloon...i even couldn't recognize myself when i looked in the mirror...my fever was 39 Celsius...the doctor said if the temp was raised another Celsius, i would have fainted...i was brought to the hospital and the doctor injected me twice...twice!!..and the nurse inserted a needle in my arm to let water or antibiotic (i'm not sure..) into my blood to cool it down...
so, here i am feeling better..but sometimes i feel terrible too..people looking at my scarred face...i felt weird...maybe this is my punishment for being so arrogant (?)..anyway..this is punishment...for what i don't know but i'll accept it with arms wide open (macam lagu la plak!!)
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