heh..can't sleep...i don't know why...maybe because i'm just too anxious about this going back to malaysia business..oh well..this is the perfect time for me too write this blog..
today was another shitty day for me..i stiil get the feeling that i'm not welcome here...in this university..with my frens..they just see me as a loud, uncool, don't have anything to say, boring guy who is just here to study...whenever i am with them it will always be quiet..it's like i'm some sort of disease and it will affect them if they interact with me..i just can't take it anymore..do you know how it feels when there's a hot conversation and when you try to join in the conversation just dropped dead?...it's frustrating...i hate this..i really do..and they have the nerve to call me selfish?...who's selfish now m*t**r f**k**r?..huh?...i know i'm not atractive like the other guys in my batch...guys like soul, nuar, judein, se'dul and momon...but i'm still a person...so please..treat me as one...don't go sour face on me when you see me and go all mushy when you meet the other guys...don't go graveyard silence when i walk by and chat like old ladies with fresh gossip when the other guys walk by...don't look at me like an escaped convict from alcatraz and look at the other guys like they were a famous rockband...i just wanted to belong...i just need your trust...is that something so hard to ask for?..every night i ask myself why...why do i have to go through all of this?..i know it's life, but shouldn't life gets better when you truly wish for it and worked hard to improve it?...my life just gotten worse...i tried to talk to my frens more..tried not to show a face of a convict..tried to be talkative and what do i get for that?..."bob, ko sihat tak ni?"("bob, are you feeling well?")..shit..it doesn't matter if the other guys made a lousy joke or make a total fool out of themselves....hey, what can i say about it?...they're COOL....yeah right...can't even do their own homework without searching the internet for the past year answers...i'm not saying that i'm better...i'm just stating that i should be treated equally as the others...right now...i feel like i'm only the guy who they knew back at INTEC...nothing more...they don't know my father already died and i grieved over him for 3 weeks and had always been dreaming about him until i was 13...they don't know what i have been through my life without a father...they don't know my mother had to work her ass off everyday to send her children money in the united kingdom...they don't know how hard it feels to see your own mother crying in the middle of the night praying to god for the well bwing of her children...they don't know shit about me..they just know me as "bob"...a guy that's rich and likes to lend money to his frens in need....they just know me as the rich boy....rich??!!...i'm not rich..i just want to help you guys!!...don't you see that?!!...to tell the truth..my family is just a mediocre family with lots of problems that people usually see on television...brother getting married with a girl that she doesn't like and his mom scolded him like hell...relatives taking drugs...brother involved in a school fight and nearly got kicked out of school...they don't know "ilham junaidi ismail"...a guy who is trying his working his ass off everyday to get everyones recognition...a guy who tried to be frenly with people...a guy who tried to lead a fresh start...already tried to tell them..but they just prefered me as "bob"..well...i just don't get it...i just don't know why i'm treated this way..it felt like i'm losing a bit of my sanity day after day...i can't take this anymore...if it wasn't for hamzah, zul, had and enip...i would have been insane by now..they helped me a lot...especially hamzah...he always visit my room...initially to study calculus but ended up chatting for hours and smoking a cigarette or two..enip who always have time to hear my problems and play b.ball with me eventhough he already has a girlfren to be with...zul who is like a brother to me...hadri who taught me a little b.ball and hang out with me...they all are important to me...they pulled me up from the abyss everytime i went into it...well..long story short...i loved my batch..but, if they treat me like shit...then i don't give a damn..f**k them..f**k them all...
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