my past..

hmm..nak tulih apa nih..besok exam..but aku rasa..nak tulih sumthing..sumthing yg aku rasa patut aku tulih sini..my past..

my past...

aku lahir 1030 malam 18 may 1984...bapak aku nak namakan aku ali or ahmad nama simple2..tapi mak aku tanak..nak nama grand2..sebab mak aku kate dia nak aku jadi grand cam nama aku..hidup aku best..seronok..dalam keluarga sederhana..ada satu mercedez lama yg bapak aku sayang giler..pastu..bapak aku beli kete proton first edition..sebab kete merz tu dah rosak..mmg takleh pakai dah..so kete proton tu aa a.k.a "Jibam" (sebab no. plate dia JBM) jadik kete kesayangan dia..pastu 1992..detik paling gelap hidup aku..jun 1992..pukul 10(rasanyer) tetiba telepon bunyi..kakak angkat aku shazana( kot nama dia lupa..) angkat telepon..tetiba dia nangis..aku tanya asal nangis..kakak aku tanak jawab..so aku bior je aa..tetiba..dalam kol 12 ke satu camtu sumer sedara mara dekat aku sampai umah...aku kecik time tuh pikir...uikk..ada kenduri best ke nih? pastu..pakcik aku yg rapat ngan akuk tarik aku ke tepi..pastu dia bagitau satu benda yg aku tak paham time tu..tapi akan aku ingat sampai bebiler.." adi..adi kena sabar ye nak ye...pakcik nak bagitau pon pakcik rasa berat hati pakcik.." aku tanya bagitau apa.." abah adi dah kembali ke rahmatullah nak" " adi kena byk bersabar ye nak ye"..walaupon aku tak berapa paham time tuh..tetiba aku rasa air mata aku mengalir..aku tak paham..kenapa aku nangis nih? apa nih? dalam masa seminggu aku rasa confuse..kenapa sumer org sedih nih..aku mmg tak tau apa time tu..abg sulung aku..menguncikan diri dalam bilik..abg second aku time tu nak amik SPM...biler mak aku balik..nampak mak aku sorang jer..mak aku tak nangis tak sedih apa pon...aku tanya dengan gaya selamba..abah mana mak? kat dalam lagi ke? time tu mak aku mmg dah tak bole tahan dah nak nangis..pastu baru aku tau abah takkan balik malaysia lagi..dia selamat dikebumi kat mekah...lepas aku dapat tau berita tu..aku mmg dah rasa takde tempat nak bergantung..sebab aku mmg rapat ngan ayah aku..org kate..biler kehilangan org tersayang..mmg peristiwa tu akan ubah perangai ko completely...and it's true..aku dulu mak aku kate aa..aku dah lupa dah sumer nih..aku kanak2 ceria aa kira..suka gelak2..suka tanya benda sumer..suka buat member..tapi..aku ubah completely..sadness overwhelmed me man..all the things that could make me happy was just not enough to make me smile again..even sarah..sarah my best friend at that time..i became kera sumbang..masam jer muka..mmg takleh dah nak buat muka hepi..then family aku pindah melaka..mak aku dapat keje lain..terpaksa amik keje lain..because of the pay..she's raising 5 kids on her own..at that time..3 of them was in UK..imagine how she had worked day and night..aku tak merungut..bila aku balik sekolah takde org kat rumah..just something to eat on the table...maybe nothing on the table..i did not say anything..because i know my mother..i know she is strong..but at night i know she cries a lot in her prayers..i felt so worthless because i can't help with anything..i don't have any frens at the maktab quarters because every kid there see me as the pengetua's son..not as a boy yg takde member..sumer tanak dekat ngan aku..sebab takut kalau aku pissed off ngan diorg parents diorg kena pecat..hahaha..wth man..makin lonely aku jadik..makin gloomy hidup aku..every day..just thinking why? kenapa abah? honestly..at certain times i was mad at god...but lama2..i just accept it...his time was up..but the trauma was dramatic..even my mother was concerned..every night my mom said i always say abah in my sleep..she cried when i do that..at school was no different..everyone first sees me as sombong anak pengetua MPPM..they thought that i was a rich person's son...i don't give a damn by that time..started smoking in darjah 5..everyone until now thinks that i lied about that..one thing my father told me..never lie..tapi kalo white lie ok..hehe..mmg terumbang ambing idup aku..tak tentu arah..tried hard to study..tapi paling tinggi pon nombor 7..last skali dapat no 1 was before my father died..peristiwa tu mmg bagi tekanan beso dalam hidup aku..tapi i have a datuk sedara at melaka.. and i treated him hampir cam aku anggap bapak aku sendiri..his kids were my first frens at melaka..and through them i found that my life could be happy again..i started to smile..started to do everithing with a positive look..when my mother got a new job in KL..at his house aa aku tinggal..with his kids yg aku anggap cam darah daging aku sendiri..my life was looking brighter and brighter..abes PMR aku dapat 7A 1B and he was the first person that i hugged..i cried like hell..because he was like a father to me but he died last february i think..so i lost two fathers already..so i'm possibly at my worst state this past 2 months..

i'm not telling you all this story to make you symphatize me..i don't need it..aku nak bagitau jer..korang kate hidup korang susah..hidup korang terumbang ambing..hidup korang tak tentu arah..think of this story..i lived without a father for 14 years already..i know ada org yg lagi teruk dari aku..but kalo cam korang datang US tapi keje korang tido, do nothing else but having a good time other than studying and you say to me that your life is miserable and doing those things makes your life a bit happier...that's bullshit..MY life is miserable..imagine seeing your mother crying in the middle of the night thinking of a way to get money to support her children overseas and in malaysia..imagine you are neglected alone at home day in and day out without anyone to talk to for three fucking years..hearing rumors that your mother is going to marry a dato' just after a week your father died and everyone believed that bullshit even your close relatives..THAT is miserable my frens..petty things like heartbreaks and backstabbers, fights even life at CASE all those other things are nothing to me..so please..don't do this to me anymore..don't say i am loaded with money..my mother is happy giving her kids money..because she was miserable when she can't give her kids money in the past..you think i wanted the money she gives? of course i do..but..not that much..i always say to her..sket2 jer..takyah banyak2..you know what she said?..takpe2...mak ada duit..mak ada duit..do you know how happy she is when she is saying that? for 5 years she struggled always saying adi..mak takde duit adi..mak takde duit..korang tau tak betapa terharunyer aku biler mak aku cakap camtu..so please...don't bitch about your petty problems yg aku rasa bole selesai..evryone has problems..but don't make your small problems big..because it's stupid..jgn aa besarkan2 masalah..masalhtu dah kecik..senang nak selesai..tapi korang besar2kan..adoii..

amik ler teladan..kalo tanak takpe..